How to clean your kitchen in 3 minutes flat

Make an appointment for a stranger to come and change all your light globes and shower heads for more energy efficient ones.

If possible arrange for your child to be unwell, so you are exhausted from being up all night taking her to the toilet.
Endure a 45 minute tantrum from said unwell child because she can't have a 3rd icy pole at 11am.
Feed everyone lunch but do not tidy up afterwards, leave it piled up on top of last nights dishes.

When everyone is fed and actually quiet reading the library books you have the foresight to pick up in the morning, lie on the couch wearing only your underwear and congratulate yourself on the ability to ignore the mess.

When the man knocks on the door watch how fast you can get dressed, smile and direct him to the other end of the house (which of course must be covered in a clean clothes scatter bomb) whilst you clean the kitchen in RECORD time, pour him an icy cold glass of water and try to maintain the illusion of a 1950's housewife.
I think the sewing machine on the dining table helped - especially since there was a half bottle of brandy sitting next to it....