Saturday, January 8, 2011

Half Life

For the rest of it, I will be only half. Half an Unperfect Life is the way it is then? Oh ok.

No, hang on a minute - I'm really supposed to live the rest of my life without my sister? Really?

Mum calls, her voice was wierd. Where is Amy, someone called someone who called someone else and said she collapsed.
I call other sister whose voice is shaking and gives me the number of someone who is with Amy.....she has stopped breathing.

I call the number, hear another shaking voice that gives me the address and I write it in broken blue pencil, then feel a part of myself leave my body when she says She Is Gone. No, no I'll be there in a minute and fix it up in no time and tell her off for scaring me.

I scream for The Batchelor to come home, I scream at the children for fighting and make them go to their rooms, I scream at the teenager to look after them I have to go.

Do I call mum and tell her? She is interstate on holiday and I think I shouldn't until I get there and know what is really going on, so I keep driving and screaming. Mum calls and she knows because the police tell her, another part of me leaves my body when I hear the anguish in her voice. I scream at her to please come home mummy come home. Mum screams at me to stop driving, call a cab or get someone to drive me but it will take too long so I put on control voice, tell her I'll be fine.

I call Cailin and scream at her. I don't know where I'm going, I'm not sure where I am so she directs me over the phone while I scream out the window.

There are police cars everywhere, I tell them I need to see her. Did they take her away yet, they tell me yes or so I thought. They ask me 100 million questions. A beautiful girl rides up with a bunch of flowers in her basket. I watch her face and hope she isn't here for Amy. I turn away when I hear her scream too but then I sink to the concrete.

She died on the floor of the kitchen in the middle of making dinner for her son. I want to go lie on the floor where she was.

She is still lying there.

More pieces leave my body and I think I'm going to pass out from shock but decide to get a blanket to cover her because I don't want her to get cold. Even though it's 32 degrees. Then decide not to do that and look for a nice shrub in the garden to throw up into.

Blur, blur questions, crying, phone calls blur.

After a while I am 'officially' given permission to say good bye. The Bike Girl and I hold hands and take a deep breath and cross the threshold. We soak her in tears. I look around for signs to make sure and know in my heart that she didn't hurt. She hadn't felt any pain. I don't think she knew what happened and either do we.

Her little boy is upstairs with the neighbour. He is fast asleep on the couch and I gather him up, his head falls against my shoulder and his golden curls tickle my face. I take him home and contemplate being a mother of four.

The little children don't know yet. We don't how to tell little Finush his mummy has gone and we are waiting for someone to help us.





I am terrified of telling Cyclone.

29 comments:

dachlostar said...

I wish there was something I could do to make it better.

Teni said...

Words have escaped me... I'm sorry.

Sarah said...

Oh Lucy I have no words. Thinking of you & sending you all the strength I can for telling the children xx

Lady Astrid said...

No words can help. Have also lost a sister, but I know everyone's pain is different.

Thank you for posting a photo of Amy, I wondered if I knew her and I now I do remember meeting her at a restaurant one night when she was pregnant.

dragoncookie said...

I'm so sorry Lucy.
Sending you lots of strength and so many cuddles for you and the children xX

Sam said...

Lucy I'm so heartbroken for you. So sorry babe xox

MultipleMum said...

You poor thing! How horrendous?! I can only imagine the pain in your heart. I wish there was something I could do for you but all I think of is to send you my sincerest condolences. Another reminder of the importance of keeping things in check. You just never know... Hugs to you and yours and to Amy's family x

Andrea said...

I'm so sorry Lucy! My heart and love is going your way xxx

Marlene Heffernan said...

I am so sorry. I don;t know what to say. I just want to wrap my arms around you and Fin....and squeeze. xoxoxox

Rhianon said...

Oh Lulu, I cannot imagine what you are all going through right now. xx

Inanna said...

Bloody hell Lucy. I've learned that there are never words to comfort this tragic trauma. Nothing I can say is going to change that absolute gut wrenching emptiness that Abby left.
What I do know is that she's got her sister in her - she's going to help you tell Finn. If I was down there I'd be there in a skip to help you. YOU know how to do this. Just ask her to help you with the words. She's close by right now & I am pretty dang sure she's not going anywhere until she knows her Finn is okay. Sit still, & just ask her for help. She will.
Baby I am just so sorry you are suffering her loss. I am sorry that this hole has been left for all of you. Cuddles darling. xxx

E. said...

Oh Lulu. I am so, so sorry for your family's loss of Amy. I have no words that will help or ease your pain. Just know taht I am thinking of you and your family and the friends who will all miss Amy.

Nerdycomputergirl said...

So sorry for your loss I can't imagine how devastated you and your family must be.

Parenting Premmies said...

I am so so sorry x Sending many hugs your way x

Rachael said...

Im so sorry.
I dont have any words.

Lucy said...

Oh Luce. I am so so sorry.My heart is breaking for you. I have lost my brother and been a mother of four for a while. I would not wish this grief and pain onto anyone, least of all you. Cai has my # if you need to scream down the phone at someone. xxx

Lynette said...

I'm so sorry Lulu :(

ecosopher said...

I am so sorry to hear this. Sending you and your family light.

Divvy said...

I'm so sorry. That's all I can say. She looks like a beautiful woman and a very proud Mum.
Love you and thinking of you.

Tina ~ tina gray dot me said...

Lucy, I am so so sorry. Sending you love and strength. xxx

Madmother said...

Oh my swwet, how did I not see this? I can tell you the pain will continue, I can tell you it will always be a white hot rock in the centre of your soul, but I can also tell you amidst the years of tears there will be laughter, joy, memories, remembering. The good days WILL outweigh the bad, and the best will surface again.

Be true to your pain, allow yourself grief, do not do what I did and bury it deep to only resurface againa and again. I am here and I truly understand. And I think cyclone may surprise you in his ability to process this - our different kids seem to have an amazing well of compassion deep inside. xx T

Jen said...

Oh Lulu :( I'm so sorry for your loss :(

Mumstrosity said...

:( xxoxox

Curvaceous Queen said...

Extending sympathy for your loss seems trite. My thoughts are with you in this time of darkness

Wanderlust said...

Oh Lulu, I am so so sorry. This is heartbreaking -- just too much. Sending love and light and strength to you and your family. xo

Good Golly Miss Holly! said...

Lulu, I am so sorry :(

Danielle said...

so sorry sending you love and strength your way <3 xxx ((HUGS))

Giving Back Girl said...

Lulu, I am so incredibly sorry for your tragic loss. Sisters are simply meant to be together. Kia kaha x

Maxabella said...

Lulu, I just heard your news. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I feel your pain, I adore my sisters too. I would be managled if I lost them.

Oh, love. Be brave. x