Parenting......separately

So I can squeeze 8 pound babies out of my vagina, survive on little to no sleep for 3 years and find matching socks every morning. Parenting with Scorpio has been alot harder than all three.

But we do it. We fought through it and continue to fight to this day.

To be honest my main issue was the McDonalds drop offs on a Sunday. I know 8 million people that do it - swap the kids over, neutral territory, public place yadda yadda yadda. I can think of nothing more uncomfortable and I'M NEVER GONNA DO THAT.


We do it because once we were like this.



Eagerly anticipating the birth of our son. Couldn't quite believe how lucky we were and that 10 years after we first met this was actually happening.

And yeah, the wheels fell off in the end and a little girl had also arrived by the time we crashed - there were ups and downs but you can't say it wasn't FUN.

As time went on we could see we were awesome parents, just not in the same room. After the early blurry years of a screaming unsettled baby, it became apparent we actually weren't suited at all. Even though the last year was hard, I'm glad we pushed through.

Cyclone was so high maintenance he taught us to be a stronger team, he forced us to respect each other and be grateful for each others presence during the long hours of screaming, the tanties and meltdowns. We could see even though we were opposites it could still benefit the children, make them more 'rounded'.

I have endless patience for some things, Scorpio has endless patience in others. No one loves those kids like we do, and even though we may have screaming fights, hang up on each other and call each other horrible names (I've invented a few new ones I think) I can still phone him at all hours crying with exhaustion and worry and he will listen and share the burden. That's whats going to get us through the next 20 years or so, I'm sure.




And I just KNOW you love my birth outfit. I even had a matching pink cashmere hoodie but it wasn't in the shot.

SCAAAAAREY!!!!

Pic by Simon Frost

Scorpio again has outdone himself. He always has something interesting happen to him (and it usually involves the police somehow) but this one? Woooooooooo!

He came in late last night with a very weird look on his face. Pour me a drink and listen to this, I'm totally freaked out. Mmmmkay dear.

So he was driving back here, it was raining lightly. Out of nowhere a man appeared in the median strip and stepped straight into the path of the little white car ahead.

He watched in horror as the man flew up and over the little white car. Scorpio swerved but felt the impact on the side of the car as he hit the man as well. A sick making thud.
Scorpio stops, the white car has half run onto the pavement - both drivers and a passenger get out and look at each other in sheer horror. The man in white car keeps saying, "he came out of nowhere, he came out of nowhere!".

They can't find the man they hit.

They search everywhere in the rain. Another man who was behind Scorpio also stopped and brings out a huge torch. They call an ambulance and the police.

The police arrive and get the spotlights out. Nothing. Another squad car arrives, they search too. Still nothing. An older cop gathers everyone together - all 4 witness and takes their names. He takes a breath and says - you probably won't hear anything from us. This has happened before along this stretch of road. I don't know what you believe in, and I don't know what to tell you except this has happened before.

They check the cars. NO DAMAGE. The little white car hit him head on, Scorpio hit him right on the indicator area of my car. NO DAMAGE. Nothing.

This was an a main road through a suburban area. Scorpio can't stop talking about the horrible crunch and the noise - how he felt the impact.

He didn't sleep well last night, the whole episode kept playing over in his mind. He remembers the hoodie and trackpants the guy was wearing - the look of horror on the faces of the first driver and his wife......and the quiet realisation that came over everyone that was there. The other drivers, the police and the ambos.

ZOMG!!!!!!!

Scorpio and The Aquaman.

So as previously mentioned I have 2 ex-husbands. One I actually married in a church, the other I married by having his babies.

Yes I am great friends with both. Yes Scorpio and Aquaman think highly of each other and have talked shit over a beer or three on several occasions.

A few people in my life have met both. Many people in my life have only met one or the other. Nothing is funnier the moment when someone meets The Other One. They look at me funny.

Because these 2 boys are as different as night and day.



This is Scorpio.

Bad, nasty, irresponsible, inconsiderate. Dark, broody and INCORRIGIBLE. Anti-social, not afraid of anything, tells me horrible stories, makes me laugh. He thinks I am the Awesome Birthing Goddess and tells everyone he meets. Beats up assholes hurting women and rescues small dogs from hot cars (twice actually). Doesn't care if I go out with my friends or when I get home. No one on this planet makes me angrier than this man. No one on this planet can get me into bed faster.

This is The Aquaman.




Considerate, housetrained, capable, social and fun. Sporty, good at everything he does. Always flying in on his white charger (umm, ute/pickup) and pulling me out of a jam. Never a week went by without a bunch of flowers and dragging me somewhere interesting for the weekend. Calms me down just by being in the room. Makes me a little bit 1950's. Likes to know where I am and who I am with. Convinced I poop rose petals.


I've spent YEARS trying to work out a way to cut the best bits out of both of them so I can jam them back together as some sort of Ultimate Man. As much as they both have awesome points, both of them shit me to tears as well.
Actually looking back on this situation I'm just not sure if I'm commitment phobic or not. Meh.

Sigh. It sucks being a Gemini sometimes.

Using references from Buffy the Vampire Slayer would of course mean this is me



I can live with that image....

Holy Hailstorm Batman!

O lordy! What a fabulous storm!

It hit with force, suddenly there was gale force winds and sheets of rain. I remembered my car was out the front with all windows down (a usual reason for it to rain), and as I raced out to move it, the golfballs hit.

Disco thought this was a prime time to escape since I left the back gate open but didn't get too far before being pelted on the butt so she zoomed back in on her own accord.

By the time I got back in both children were totally hysterical. My house is old with a tin roof, so on top of the rain being deafening there was the added horror of bomb like noises as the golfballs hit the weatherboards. I screamed at them to stay away from the windows whilst I ran outside to collect a few trophies for later inspection (call me Dangermouse).



I calmed the children with a very LOUD lecture on the wonders of Mother Nature before remembering my bedroom roof sometimes leaks, so I ran up there to discover a new water feature above my bed.



I dragged the bedding off and water literally splashed up the walls - sheesh! The kids sprung into action and ran to get bowls and containers from the kitchen. Note the DOG BOWL in this pic....bless Betty Boos cotton socks.
P.S under the bowls is a rubber backed curtain I keep just in case of roof leakage. No I don't have sheets THAT UGLY...I need you to know that.

About half an hour after it was all over I noticed this



I'm glad the curtains were still drawn, I would have been picking glass out of my soggy bedroom walls.
I heard these storms were coming and yesterday I ran up the ladder and cleaned out the gutter in preparation. I was feeling very smug in a I-am-woman-hear-me-roar kind of way - don't need no man around here - nyah nyah etc etc.
But I left the ladder up against the wall and IRONY of IRONIES....since the wind was howling parallel to the window I strongly suspect the hailstone actually ricocheted off the ladder.....

Typical

Scorpio - can't live with him, can't shoot him.

Ach! Parenting with someone that annoys you no end is HARD. I suppose it's harder when you have to actually see them everyday....and since I don't I suppose I should put that in the column of positives....in BIG FAT RED pen.

He is a great dad and loves the kids like there is no tomorrow....but

he takes 800 years to START a job
he takes 900 years to FINISH a job
when he is here is uses every, single plate and glass in the house and trashes the rest of it, so it takes me 2 days to tidy everything after he has left.
when he returns a week or so later he smugly announces he is going to 'help me tidy up'
said tidying up never happens anyway
When he is here the children refuse to go to bed unless daddy tucks them in but
he thinks mowing the lawn at 8 pm is appropriate - right at bedtime.
he tells Cyclone insanely wonderful bedtime stories that last 45 minutes, which in turn has the poor childs eyes spinning like pinwheels and he can't sleep.

I wont bore you anymore and I'll have to stop anyway because earlier today he sent me a text -

You make beautiful children, cheeky but beautiful. Thank you xoxoxo

AAARRRRGHHHHHHH!

Scorpio channels a policeman

So there's lots in the media about the dangers of texting whilst driving right now. Fair enough too.

There was quite a graphic report on 60 minutes tonight - I don't usually watch it because of the craptacular interview skills of the tick tick tick team but I couldn't find the remote.

Example

-Distraught mother of teen killed in car "I really feel if there were no phones my daughter would be alive right now" *sobs
-Idiot reporter "so what you're saying is that if there were no phones your daughter would be alive right now?"

Nuff said.

I haven't had experience with this myself, I can't even comprehend it. I have enough trouble concentrating on the road whilst Cyclone and Betty Boo do their usual slapfight & howl, or on a good day a hearty rendition of Heads Shoulders Wees and Poos.

Add texting to that and I wouldn't make it past the letterbox.

Aquaman had a phone related car accident recently, resulting in $15,000 damage to his machine and $4500 damage to the the car he ran up the backside of. His defence was that his new phone doesn't tell him (over the handsfree speaker setup) who is calling. He looked down for a second and WHAMMO. No one was hurt thank goodness. It only took a second.

However Aquaman is in logistics, is on the road all the time and well....needs his phone on the road. He takes calls all day long whilst driving from place to place. How on earth did people run fleets of trucks before mobile phones were invented?

I dwelt on that often, mildly crapping my pants since Aquaman borrowed my station wagon for the 6 weeks it took to repair his wheels.

Anyhoo Scorpio got back the other night telling me how he was nearly run off the road by some twit merrily chatting away on her mobile, nearly swerving into him several times.
He pulled up next to her at the lights and glares at her. She ignores him and continues her animated conversation.
Scorp gets annoyed, beeps the horn until she looks over again. He reaches into his top pocket, pulls out his wallet and waves it at her. That worked immediately. She literally throws the phone onto the passenger side floor, frantically mouths apologies and when the lights turn green takes off at a snails pace thanking her lucky stars that the nice policeman let her off.

Yeah - the heavily tattooed 'undercover policeman' driving a Kia Carnival.

Twit.

So have a go, next time you see some fool on their mobile phone whilst driving, look stern and wave your wallet around a bit. I don't think it would work with a girly purse though.

Yours in bewilderment of the everlasting stupidity of some people.....

Scorpio got arrested this morning.....

Oh yeah.

It's Fathers Day tomorrow so Scorpio is staying over so the kids can jump on his head at 7am screaming Happy Fathers Day and forcing him to eat soggy toast (hey if I have to cop it for Mothers Day he can suffer too - we share the load).
It worked out well because I wanted to go out for lunch for my dads birthday, nephews birthday and fathers day conveniently rolled into one and I didn't want to drag the entire tribe out to be bored at a swanky cafe.

Unfortunately Scorp could feel a migraine coming on so dashed down to the shops before I left for some decent pain killers. He didn't come back. His phone went to voicemail, I needed to leave. I sent text messages calling him seven types of bastard, left Teen Queen in charge and headed off to pick up dad.

No, I didn't start calling hospitals or get worried cos this is what Scorpio DOES. Loses track of time, sees a friend and chats for an hour, drops in to see a mate etc etc etc. His 5 minutes is 2 hours earth time and it drives everyone nuts.

I called from the cafe and he still wasn't home after another hour. Hmmmm.
He calls another hour after that and luckily I didn't read the riot act immediately because he tells me he was at the police station all this time.

Arrested for assault.

He got to the pharmacy but the migraine hit out of nowhere as he parked the car. He felt his head splitting open and managed to get the car door open in time to hurl. His phone fell out of the car and shattered and a lovely old lady picked up the pieces for him and checked he was ok before going on her way.

He was sitting in the car with the door open and his head back and a bunch of ratbags walk past and start calling him names - drunk, druggo... The poor bugger hurls again so they come back and really pump it up. They start throwing things at him. Scorpio gets pretty angry, lets rip back at them and stands up like he is about to kick their butts - so they hastily retreat with one of them tripping and falling over before taking off.

Scorp sags back down next to the car and proceeds to be sick again. Five minutes later a police car appears, tells him there has been a report of an assault and to get in the car to go back to the station. Scorpio tells them to get lost, he's not going anywhere so they arrest him for assault. He tells me later that he completely objected to the way one of the policeman spoke to him - like he was a drunk druggo. So in the car he goes.

It turns out this bunch of little *insert expletive here* went straight to the police station and told them they were assaulted (yep the group were assaulted by one sick 'drunk' ), they had evidence you see. The one that fell over landed on broken glass and cut his hand open badly.

Back at the station he was put in a room with a bucket. He is still very sick and I can't understand why they thought he was capable of hurting anyone. The police went through his wallet and found a card from a Detective Snr Constable Plod and says "oh you've already had a run in with Plod here, looks like you're a bit of trouble". Scorpio says, no Plod is a family friend - why don't you call him. So they did.

Plod is a great guy, he came straight down and into the room where the "victims" were giving their statement. Slams down a huge file folder on the table and proceeds to tell them that they have just crossed one of the most scary ass criminals in the area and they better start telling the truth before they make it worse for themselves.
The smart little buggers say "isn't it your job to protect us"? Plod says - I'm not going to babysit you and sit at the foot of your bed every night, especially if you bring it on yourself".

So they tell the truth, retract their bullshit statement, admit they acted like a bunch of arses and apologise.

HA.

Poor old Scorpio - he attracts trouble like a magnet, but at least it makes for good blog entries *snigger

P.S In the interest of public health and safety (and Scorpios rep), I would like to make it clear he wasn't blowing chunks all over the place. It's a reaction to the migraine to dry retch...ick.