Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Welcome to WTF??? The remix...

Thank you to everyone that commented on my Perfect Day, Iz feelin the lurrve.

Of course, the higher you go the harder you fall and we have had a very difficult few days since. In fact I decided it was MY turn for a meltdown and ended up calling Lifeline....only to be told I should call the media. Yes people...apparently I should call A Current Affair. I will say that the effect was immediate in that I ceased to feel helpless and instead felt anger...job done people. It stopped me whining at least.

In any case I thought I'd let y'all know I'll be hanging out at my other blog Lulu and The Cyclone for awhile to process all the crap that's been happening around here lately. I'm in the kind of mood where I may very well tell random strangers their babies are ugly or start tripping over picture-perfect mummas at the shops - best I retreat to a cave for a little bit.

My WTF moment reminded me of a post I did back in May, here it is -

Ever read the piece "Welcome to Holland"? Check it out HERE. It was written in reference to finding yourself with a child with a disability but all the mums of kiddies On The Spectrum liked it so much we pinched it for ourselves.

Madmother did her own version called Welcome to Somalia

Here's mine -

The Steward announces over the intercom - Welcome to Holland! I grab her arms as she bounces past. Errrm, no I tell her - this plane is going to Italy! I paid for these tickets months ago, I've learnt how to say alcohol in every different dialect!

The Steward looks confused and returns shortly - there has been a mix up, I'll get back to you. Here's a vodka. After circling for hours she returns and announces we will be landing in Las Vegas.

WTF? I don't want to go there - it's too bright and shiny and the noise never stops. I planned on Italy, dammit. What's wrong with these people? Doesn't the pilot have a fricken map?

Oh thank goodness the plane is descending....I look out the window and see Somalia - NOOOO! The plane suddenly raises altitude again and I watch for another few hours whilst we fly over Egypt *sigh, circle over Iran, over Nepal *sigh

I need to stretch my legs, I'm sick of watching Adam Sandler movies over and over, the food is wretched and they have RUN OUT OF VODKA.

I have no idea where or when this plane is landing and now I don't care. At least I'll have friends in Holland and Somalia...maybe a few in Las Vegas. I just want to GET OFF.

Where do they keep the fucking parachutes?????

Friday, September 17, 2010

One Perfect Day

I have seriously had the best day! I have to share it and don't crap on me because this is BIGTIME in the Unperfect household. On every level.

When I tucked Cyclone into bed last night he mentioned making me breakfast in bed. Lo and behold - after an uninterrupted sleep for both of us, I woke to hear movement in the kitchen. I lolled about, loving that I woke up on my own (no cats on face, dog snuffling at the door or an elbow in my face) and soon saw a grinning Cyclone face peering into my room. Look mummy!

He did it! The little monkey filled the kettle and boiled it, got out the toaster and the toast fixings, knocked on The Batchelors bedroom door and asked for help with the kettle and presented me with tea and Vegemite toast in bed.

After a lovely breakfast we got dressed no complaining and decided to seize the day with a short bike ride. We headed to the local school for a meeting to enrol Cyclone for next term. He was nervy but delicious, and played fairly quietly whilst we all discussed his future and funding issues. All went well.

Feeling pretty confident we headed to the shopping centre to buy a pair of scissors and craft paper. Job done quickly. I found a pair of 3/4 pants for summer on sale and recklessly decided to try on a pair in size 10.

OMG they fit!!! Bought a pair in black and one in grey. Arrhythmia inducing stress must have benefits after all.

Yeah bitches SIZE TEN.

Cyclone wants a drink but doesn't like the choices available. Nearly melts down. Breathes instead. Chooses drink and skips off.

I really start pushing it and buy some henna to dye my tresses. Decide not to push it further.....until I walk past a cheap haircut place ("no appointment needed!, cash only!"). I stop. I ponder. Ah FUCK IT, I never have the time for a cut. My hair grows quickly so even if they stuff it up I'll get over it. It can't be worse than long, long, long boringness and borrowing Betty Boos hairclips. Cant it?

I breathe in deeply and let it out when I see my stylist is a stunning asian guy with an amazing precision cut I can't stop staring at. He chops about 4 inches out and layers it perfectly...and listens seriously when I beg him not to 'feather' it about my jawline. He cuts in my fringe (WAY BIG DEAL TO ME) better than I hoped.

Cyclone has sat still the entire time. Katy Perry blasts through the speakers and I notice his little head bobbing and feet tapping. "It's ok to dance baby" I tell him. So he does - not over the top but enough to have the entire place grinning. I don't bother wondering how an child with such anxiety can dance in front of strangers..I just drink him in.

I walk out with the cut of my dreams.....for THIRTY FIVE DOLLARS.

We spend the afternoon cutting, pasting and watching "The Deadly 60" (shudder) on T.V.

I spend nearly an hour having a great chat with my 18 year old who is right in the midst of her final year exams. She has just ACED one and we have high hopes of her getting into Nursing/Midwifery at university next year.

Betty calls me from daddy's house to say goodnight. Cyclone hops into bed clutching all his stuffed dogs and we talk about our Perfect Day. Cyclone starts getting upset and I hope a meltdown isn't on the way....he is crying because "I just want to be the best boy in the world but it's sooo hard". Crises averted when I ask him to take care of my childhood doll Molly.

I can't wipe the smile off my face. I feel so NORMAL. My head isn't pounding, my stomach isn't in knots and the vodka bottle sits unopened on the shelf.

So I have a drink for Celebration rather than Medicinal purposes and bop around the house channelling Spongebob Squarepants.

"It's the beeeest daaay evveeeer!"

Thursday, September 16, 2010

The state of our hearts

The usual day routine in the Unperfect household are like this *no artistic licence*.

Breakfast isn't ready fast enough.
Breakfast is "wrong".
The cat is purring too loud.
Sesame Street is STUPID - get it OFF!
Don't want to get dressed.
Betty is dancing in front of the telly. *screaming and fights
Socks are stupid.
Screaming because I missed the ad for Cats and Dogs.
Doesn't want to get in the car, rides bike instead.
Fights to get in the car first.
Screaming because the seat belt won't go in.
Screaming because the traffic lights are red.

"I don't want to read, reading is STUPID, SUCKY and POO."

And so on and so forth.

Aspies are notoriously glass half full kinda kids. I'm ok with it, although it is very wearing my little guy really sparkles and those moments refill me through the negativity.

Last night sucked hard.

I was tired tired tired at 5pm. Usually I don't feel it until after the kids are in bed. Cyclones constant chatter somehow got too much so I set him up on the bench with a can of shaving cream (he loves writing and drawing in it) and asked "please, please don't talk for a little while honey - mummy's head is about to explode".

"Ok, mum - look at my hands!" I nod and smile.

He stops.

"I know it's my fault mum"

My heart freezes. What baby?

"I just know it's my fault - why you are feeling this, and I feel so sorry for you."

My heart cracked and fell onto the floor. Then I picked it up and jammed it back into my ribcage.

I looked up, faked a sneeze to cover the welly eyes but Cyclone had already taken off to watch The Simpsons.

Tomorrow is a Bran Nu Dae and we promise each other to be the best we ever can be, but I can't sleep because I'm frightened I'll hear those words again and worry about the state of my little boys heart.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Honesty and Accountability

I told everyone in web/blog world that I am giving up smoking because I have to be accountable to someone. I know lots of you are behind me (and a certain Glamourcidal lady needs to hear about it) and it's far easier to let yourself down than your cheer squad.

I also have a personal vendetta against anyone that says "oh I just stopped one day and never went back". Fucking LIARS. I didn't expect to fall pregnant as quickly as I did with Cyclone and had terrible trouble giving up. I really struggled....and I also felt unbelievable hatred towards myself that it wasn't that easy.

I ended up chopping down to one half in the morning and one half in the afternoon. I could do no more. EVERY, SINGLE person I spoke to about it said the same thing "as soon as I knew I was pregnant I didn't take another puff".

I had ONE work colleague that was so sympathetic and agreed she found it terrible - the guilt more than anything. Later on, 100% of these fuckers that breezily told me it was easy, actually confessed they either didn't give up at all (but cut down HEAPS) or it took them MONTHS to finally kick the cigarettes.

Pissed off doesn't even begin to describe the way I felt.

But I love my friends that are HONEST and tell me they still feel the cravings 9 years after they have given up, that they still miss it some days. That want to sit next to me and my stinky cigarette after a few beers and breathe in the aroma (foulness) before remembering why they stopped. Thank you for your honesty.

So I promise to give it to you balls and all ok? If I stumble I will tell you, when I don't I'm gonna SHOUT IT TO YOU and when I get to the end I will thank you from the bottom of my heart.

So far - I got through 2 days Cold Turkey.
Day 3 I "patched up" with Nicorette Patches but ended up have 2 after a particularly horrific day with Cyclone.

I realised that I just wasn't prepared enough. I realised that smoking is just about the ONLY time I have to myself. If mummy is out the back having a cigarette the kids know they have to keep away (and for some bloody reason they listen). In fact I know that is the reason I took it back up again when Cyclone was 4 months old - no one was going to hand me a screaming baby if mummy had a fag hanging out her mouth.

I have to replace that. Maybe I will go and lock myself in the toilet the old fashioned way instead? I also NEVER smoke outside my home (unless it's a night on the town), so I'm used to getting home from being out all day and heading straight out the back for a ciggie. How do I replace THAT habit? I seem to be ok going for hours and hours without one - as long as I know I can have one at the end of the day. Hhhmmm.

So at this point I am allowing myself 5 per day - UNTIL I can get a bit more jiggy with it.

Today I went back to my old house to get my Allan Carr book which really REALLY makes a difference and I will read some of it each night before bed.

Let's see how the next week goes.....EEEeeeeeKKS!

If you have any tips - share them won't you pleeeease?

Monday, September 13, 2010

Favourite words of all time

I luuurve words. I use lots of them ALL the time. I never shut up really.

As most of you will know I just love the word Fuck. I don't care that some people think it means I have limited vocabulary, only sanctimonious twats say that anyway.

Fuck is awesome because you can say it with such feeling fffffffuuCK. I also like Fucktard but I really don't use it as much as I should.

SANCTIMONIOUS. I use this about twice a week on average.

TRESSES. Just like the way it sounds, it invokes Lady Godiva-ish images or Botticellis Venus type thoughts.

STRUMPET. Thank you Helen Razer for introducing this word to me. Completely underutilized.

GALLIVANT. Everyone laughs when I say this. It may have something to so with the flappy arm movements that come with it.

GRUNTLED. Oh Gruntled! When I first heard you I went into hysterics. Maybe GRUNTLED should marry WHELMED and live happily every after.

TINTINNABULATION. It's just funny.

I got a thing for these words too.


What are your favourite words? Are there any words you hate?

I have two, but I dislike them so much I can't bear to type them...

Vegie boost for fussy eaters - sneaky but.

Children get fussy with foods and drive us all spare. Starting a power play at the dinner table every night just raises parents blood pressure and provides excellent entertainment for the kids.

Here is a very easy way of booting the vitamin and mineral intake of even the fussiest of eaters.

Roughly chop -

2 carrots
1 onion
1 leek
4 stalks celery (yep,leaves too if you can fit them in)
4 sprigs parsley (including the stems)
2 bay leaves
1 bouquet garni (from the spice section of the supermarket)
4 black peppercorns

Throw it in a pot with 1.5 liters of water. Bring to the boil then reduce heat and simmer for an hour.

Cool slightly then strain it through a sieve, discard the solids (hopefully into the compost).

Simmer uncovered until the liquid reduces by half, cool and pour into ice cube trays and freeze.

How to use

Stir into a white sauce or bechamel instead of milk (or a bit of both)
Add it to pasta sauce
Use as the liquid in a risotto
Use it with water (50/50 mix) to cook rice or pasta

*from Feeding Fussy Kids by Julie Maree Wood.

Hiding vegies is a great way to ease your mind and make sure the little fussy pants kids are getting enough nutrition. I always present vegetables on the plate at dinnertime anyway. Most of the time I find they WILL end up trying out new stuff if they see mum and dad eating it, and there is no pressure to do so.


Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Oh Yeah, Uh HUH - I'm a WINNER!!!

Watch me strut, watch me bum dance, watch me Ghetto Z snap all around the room Uh HUH!

I won me a Landcare Pack from Tina Gray

My Cyclone is going to be utterly beside himself and I can't wait to see the look on his face when it arrives! Then I'm going to take it off him and stick it on top of the fridge and refuse to allow him access until he cleans up his room and the last of his "experiments" that involved at least half a roll of toilet paper and two metres of aluminium foil.

AND - no it doesn't stop there - I also won one of these from Mrs Woog Yep, a SAWHOLE TSHIRT!

I'm gonna stick my boobies in that little number as soon as it arrives. Hell, I might even enter a wet Tshirt competition.......in which case Sawhole might get a few emails asking for help for "finding me a good woman to come live wit me and my momma" - but that should be fun, for the readers, maybe not for Sawhole.

NYAH, NYAH, NYAH. Yes I am going to work this winning thing till it's dead because lately I'M NOT A WINNER.

My hair looks like shit and I have one pair of jeans because I can't afford a salon or new clothes because I can't work because my son has evolved from a misunderstood Aspy Child to a full blown one of "those" children. Despite months of fricken therapies administered by yours truly. Every fricken day.

I've spent my last $400 on supplements for Cyclone so I can avoid him going on Ritalin if that is at all possible. It's also costing $300 to do a POO ANALYSIS as well - but I stuck that on The Batchelors credit card and I'm hoping he is too embarrassed to query it when the statement arrives.

So I'm going to enjoy the sunshine, sit out the backyard with my T-shirt and Cap drink lots of vodka and have one of the three cigarettes I am allowing myself per day with a big grin on my face because I WON.

**I better have a Bex and a lie down first, it's too early to drink vodka - even for me....


She 28 Campaign

Great stuff. DO SOMETHING.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Take care of ya face...the basics

Taking good care of your skin is easy, and you CAN make time for it. You know you will feel better if you do.

As much as I love the luxurious bottles and sexy, sexy packaging of the cosmetics counter wares I am usually too poor for that. I also know it's damn easy NOT to spend too much money on potions.

The first place to start is from the inside. MmmmmK?

Good skin needs plenty of

Vitamin A - found in yellow and orange fruit and vegetables.
Vitamin C - found in citrus fruits, capsicum and broccoli.
Vitamin E - found in nuts, seeds and avocados
Omega 3's - cold water fish, and flaxseed.

Too hard? Do you live on lukewarm tea and toast like me? Take a supplement, it's better than nothing at all.

Yeah yeah yeah - we are supposed to drink 8 glasses or 2 litres of water a day. This just isn't realistic for some people, and those that boast of drinking 3 litres a day aren't doing themselves any favours unless they are running marathons often or are totally full of shit and are hiding the fact they botox their arses off.

Be realistic and get yourself into the habit of drinking ONE glass in the morning (with a squeeze of lemon juice to kick start your liver), ONE glass at lunch and ONE glass in the evening. Much more doable.

Put a jug of cold water in the fridge with a few slices of lemon/orange. You will be surprised how much more tempting it is all ready to go. Excellent example for your children too.

Never overlook the power of water.

Next - keep it clean!

Wash your face before you go to bed. Use a cleanser to remove makeup - NEVER go to bed with makeup on. I know some of you would never dream of doing this but in my time as a makeup chickie babe it never failed to amaze me the amount of people that look surprised when I tell them it's nearly a crime to sleep with a faceful. If you are a working mummy, bum wipes by the side of the bed work wonders removing makeup.
Actually most of my face stuff is in my bedside drawer because I often tumble into bed exhausted and forget about ma face.

Even if you don't wear make up, you must clean the days dust, sweat and pollution away before you sleep.

I'll bang on about cleansers and moisturisers next Tuesday, see you then!

Saturday, September 4, 2010


About 3 hours after I was dancing on the coffee table at my little win this week, I was brought smashing back down to earth.

Mum called to let me know my step father has lung cancer and the outlook is not very good at all. He has been coughing for a few weeks and all of a sudden it's nearly too late. He has never smoked in his life.

Which therefore makes me 15 shades of fuckwit because I DO smoke. Most of the time I love it. Some of the time I hate it. I have been intending to give up for the past two years but there is always some drama that 'prevents' me, or some event or some other issue that requires me to inhale nicotine whilst pondering.

So no more as of today.

Yeah, I'll be shitty and stressed but how much more than what I have been lately? And who cares anyway - I'll get over it. I've given up once and I can do it again but this time it's forever.

Goodbye stinky
Goodbye lethargy
Goodbye dull skin
Goodbye to the illusion I need cigarettes


Wednesday, September 1, 2010



Although I apologise for the hysterical tone of my last post. My world had fallen out from under me - something I was working really hard towards had been whipped away with one phone call. It was unfair and wrong. The entire situation should never happened at all.

But it did and with the help of some fabulous webfriends I refocussed and lined my ducks up in a row.

Today I called the Independent School Board. I called Cyclones Neurotherapist. I called Autism Victoria.
I emailed my Uncle Forry, who is the head of a boys boarding school.

and I called my mum.

I sketched out the timeline with the help of my diary and my blog, sans emotion. Just The Facts Jack. This helped me stay on track when I was talking to people.

No one promised anything and I knew they couldn't, I just hoped that the situation spoke for itself.

At 3pm I received a phone call from the principal of N School. She apologised. She said yesterday was an awful day for us both and that she wanted to work something out for Cyclone. The school has held a meeting and decided to open a third class due to demand.

I recognise their might have been an influx of candidates for this school, but it's no reason to push Cyclone aside. Or whatever it was that nearly happened there...
I chose to think the Principal was overwhelmed, and that she mucked things up. Nothing more sinister. The apology was very sincere and in a tone far far away from the one she used with me the other day.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to

Diminishing Lucy, Muffin Monster BB, Lady Astrid and The BFG for your support and justifiable outrage.

Madmother, Purple Cath and Jen - thank you for your practical advice - I took it all on board.

I envisaged myself in full battle gear dancing upon the smoking bones of my slain enemies but actually I'm just exhausted. Quietly pleased that the whole episode was over quickly and looking forward to Cyclone starting at school next term.

I can take on these type of battles and in fact I consider us lucky that it's things we have a chance to beat. We are healthy, we are together, we have a roof over our heads.....and once we get cable TV again things will be as perfect as they are going to get in Unperfect Land.