Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Honesty and Accountability

I told everyone in web/blog world that I am giving up smoking because I have to be accountable to someone. I know lots of you are behind me (and a certain Glamourcidal lady needs to hear about it) and it's far easier to let yourself down than your cheer squad.

I also have a personal vendetta against anyone that says "oh I just stopped one day and never went back". Fucking LIARS. I didn't expect to fall pregnant as quickly as I did with Cyclone and had terrible trouble giving up. I really struggled....and I also felt unbelievable hatred towards myself that it wasn't that easy.

I ended up chopping down to one half in the morning and one half in the afternoon. I could do no more. EVERY, SINGLE person I spoke to about it said the same thing "as soon as I knew I was pregnant I didn't take another puff".

I had ONE work colleague that was so sympathetic and agreed she found it terrible - the guilt more than anything. Later on, 100% of these fuckers that breezily told me it was easy, actually confessed they either didn't give up at all (but cut down HEAPS) or it took them MONTHS to finally kick the cigarettes.

Pissed off doesn't even begin to describe the way I felt.

But I love my friends that are HONEST and tell me they still feel the cravings 9 years after they have given up, that they still miss it some days. That want to sit next to me and my stinky cigarette after a few beers and breathe in the aroma (foulness) before remembering why they stopped. Thank you for your honesty.

So I promise to give it to you balls and all ok? If I stumble I will tell you, when I don't I'm gonna SHOUT IT TO YOU and when I get to the end I will thank you from the bottom of my heart.

So far - I got through 2 days Cold Turkey.
Day 3 I "patched up" with Nicorette Patches but ended up have 2 after a particularly horrific day with Cyclone.

I realised that I just wasn't prepared enough. I realised that smoking is just about the ONLY time I have to myself. If mummy is out the back having a cigarette the kids know they have to keep away (and for some bloody reason they listen). In fact I know that is the reason I took it back up again when Cyclone was 4 months old - no one was going to hand me a screaming baby if mummy had a fag hanging out her mouth.

I have to replace that. Maybe I will go and lock myself in the toilet the old fashioned way instead? I also NEVER smoke outside my home (unless it's a night on the town), so I'm used to getting home from being out all day and heading straight out the back for a ciggie. How do I replace THAT habit? I seem to be ok going for hours and hours without one - as long as I know I can have one at the end of the day. Hhhmmm.

So at this point I am allowing myself 5 per day - UNTIL I can get a bit more jiggy with it.

Today I went back to my old house to get my Allan Carr book which really REALLY makes a difference and I will read some of it each night before bed.

Let's see how the next week goes.....EEEeeeeeKKS!

If you have any tips - share them won't you pleeeease?


Glamourcide said...

I'm exactly the same, Lulu!! I want to PUNCH friends who tell me how easy it was to quit smoking when they got pregnant - I only managed to cut myself down to one every two hours with Emily, but Hayley was conceived three days before MIL died and the stress of all that went with it had me puffing away like a chimney until I started showing (and then I just didn't leave the house so nobody except the Boss knew my dirty secret) :(

I think cutting back is the best way, personally - the closest I've ever come to quitting, has been through cutting down VERY gradually (so it takes months lol) because the whole process of changing habits needs to be worked on - I just can't do cold turkey and I truly don't understand how anybody can. Good luck with it hun, I think following your quitting journey (oh, how I hate that word!) might help give me the motivation I need :D

Keep us posted! I promise I won't be mad if you trip up, the damn things are more addictive than heroin after all ;)

MMBB said...

You could go outside to have a cuppa? It will be relaxing and give you something to do with your hands.

And well done for getting through 2 whole days without a smoke!

Your doing great :)

Being Me said...

You're looking at it from every practical and realistic angle I can think of. I think cutting down is an awesome achievement in itself, so working on that and minimising to 5 is great. Good luck, keep going!

Nadiah said...

I can't give you tips because I'm struggling right now myself. I've smoked for a very long time - I was one of those bitches who quit instantly on pregnancy, but I credit the happy-brain-chemicals of pregnancy more than anything, and I started again when he was about 1.5. It's hard, I have a half-patch on right now, and your post made me wonder if I could just duck down to the corner store and buy some...

Oh, there's a tip! Buy the Step 1's, and cut them in half. It's cheaper that way. Apart from that ... good luck with it.

Nelle said...

Here to cheer you on Lu. I wondered that about hot drinks too - would a hot drink ritual be a good replacement? Decent coffee, for example?

dachlostar said...

I guess you don't want to hear that 6 years after quitting I sucked down 4 cigarettes over the weekend. They were awful but I kept going back for more.
what can I say? It was a truly fucked up weekend.

Once I wanted to quit more than I wanted to smoke quitting became a bit easier.

Anonymous said...

Hey Lulu, I was only ever a "social smoker" but still know where you are coming from. But I can share that my dad could never give up, tried many times, but did so the day he was diagnosed with lung cancer. It was too late for him in the end but if you can focus on something which really motivates you it might help. Be strong and carry on!!

Lucy said...

You know my tale. Smoked heavily for over 27 years. Fuck. Then cut down in a vague attmept to get healthy to get pregnant. Smoked through all four pregnancies. Could NOT give up.

I never thought I would be able to give up.

The thought of giving up terrified me.

But I did.

The Allan Carr book worked for me.

I am now an evangelical anti non smoker pain in the arse nagging lady.

I always thought I'd be an empathetic ex smoker. Nah. Fucking hate the smell and the idea of the filthy habit now. I shake my head in utter disbelief that I smoked for so bloody long?!

I am brainwashed, see?!

Miss Ruby said...

Cutting down is better than nothing so don't beat yourself up too hard.

Unfortunately Guvnor [the hubs] was one of those who just gave up cold turkey. He had been trying to give up for years but just could never manage it, even with patches, gum nothing worked.

I said to him, that when he was ready to give up, he'd be able to, dunno when that day would come but one day it would.

And it did and he gave up cold turkey, just stopped, even had 2 full packets of ciggies left in the house [which I only just threw out of the house a month ago]. He has now been a non smoker for 3 years. Yes the cravings still come and yup he could easily pick up a ciggie tomorrow and take the habit back up again but he doesn't. I think when you've been a smoker, the cravings will always be there. Something Guvnor does say is what Lucy said above - he too comments on how gross the smell is and how disgusting the habit is.

If you want to give up for YOU, great, if you succeed even better but honestly, we all have vices, for some it's drinking, for others it's smoking, for some it's both[!], for others it's something else entirely! If you can't manage it [though I hope you do!] don't beat yourself up too much!

Good luck!!