Thursday, September 16, 2010

The state of our hearts

The usual day routine in the Unperfect household are like this *no artistic licence*.

Breakfast isn't ready fast enough.
Breakfast is "wrong".
The cat is purring too loud.
Sesame Street is STUPID - get it OFF!
Don't want to get dressed.
Betty is dancing in front of the telly. *screaming and fights
Socks are stupid.
Screaming because I missed the ad for Cats and Dogs.
Doesn't want to get in the car, rides bike instead.
Fights to get in the car first.
Screaming because the seat belt won't go in.
Screaming because the traffic lights are red.

"I don't want to read, reading is STUPID, SUCKY and POO."

And so on and so forth.

Aspies are notoriously glass half full kinda kids. I'm ok with it, although it is very wearing my little guy really sparkles and those moments refill me through the negativity.

Last night sucked hard.

I was tired tired tired at 5pm. Usually I don't feel it until after the kids are in bed. Cyclones constant chatter somehow got too much so I set him up on the bench with a can of shaving cream (he loves writing and drawing in it) and asked "please, please don't talk for a little while honey - mummy's head is about to explode".

"Ok, mum - look at my hands!" I nod and smile.

He stops.

"I know it's my fault mum"

My heart freezes. What baby?

"I just know it's my fault - why you are feeling this, and I feel so sorry for you."

My heart cracked and fell onto the floor. Then I picked it up and jammed it back into my ribcage.

I looked up, faked a sneeze to cover the welly eyes but Cyclone had already taken off to watch The Simpsons.

Tomorrow is a Bran Nu Dae and we promise each other to be the best we ever can be, but I can't sleep because I'm frightened I'll hear those words again and worry about the state of my little boys heart.


Nadiah said...

Oh gee, I think my heart just fell on the floor too.

Do you think, maybe, he might just be making an acknowledgement without any negative feeling about it? I mean, he knows you love him, obviously he knows you do a lot for him which is proof enough of your love. Maybe that's what he was saying, that he can see you're working hard and he knows you're working for him. He did say that he felt sorry _for you_, not guilty or sorry for who he is or anything like that. Am I reading too much into it?

Big hugs to you anyway.

Anonymous said...

I don't have any helpful advice about this, but it made me cry too. xx

MMBB said...

Ark, my second sniffle for today. I hate moments like these..

Wanderlust said...

Oh sweetie! It sucks hard being a single mom (as I'm now learning) and we do the best we can, but we're human and get exhausted and our heads threaten to explode, especially if there are other stressors and issues stacked on top of this. Hugs xx

Being Me said...

Ahhhhhh :( I feel your pain. I really like Nadiah's comment too.

Lucy said...

Oh lovely. Huge hugs. I am sorry. I don't know what else to say. xxx

Lulu said...

Thank you so much for your thoughts.

Nadiah - I just wish wish wish it was that...but it's not. Some nights Cyclone cries and cries because he hates the fact he can't control his impulses. To talk, interrupt, scream or lash out at people.

He's the aspy that falls through ALL the cracks because he understands behaviour and how it effects but has no power to control it. Apparently this part doesn't matter to The Powers That Be because he is clearly intelligent. His own brain is his downfall. IRONY MUCH???

I wish he didn't understand so I could sit next to him on the couch and howl whilst he watches The Simpsons completely oblivious. Fuck what a wish.


The Fat Lady said...

Don't know what to say hun, but didn't wanna say nothing either *hug*

Nadiah said...

"Some nights Cyclone cries and cries because he hates the fact he can't control his impulses"

Oh God. I just finished reading your happy-win post above and then checked the comments here and I have tears welling up because he is just so damned *sweet* making you breaky in bed, and he did so well to breath through his frustration (shit I can't do that at times), and it's just not fair that the little guy has to work so much harder than the neurotypicals and then still feed bad about it.

And it's not fair on you, because you're shouldering a load too and you should get to holler about it and let all the absorbed negativity out however and whenever you need to, but you know that he knows.

... I just flicked over to the other blog and saw the post about another diagnosis... I really hope that narrowing it down will help you identify the best learning tools you need. My thoughts are with you both.