Monday, January 10, 2011

I'm okayish

Right now I am cushioned by serapax, so the constant feeling of hysteria is contained temporarily.

I think writing my last post was wrong somehow. How shocking for you all to read that...of course I had to somehow vomit it all out, and this is the blog I started to keep track of my life.....but I forget people read it, and are used to laughing when they come here.

Just now I have to cushion you all too, and try to make it better. My sister lived the fullest, most full ON life. There were no empty spaces and Amy did things most of us couldn't even dream about.

I can't tell you everything now, so I will just cut and paste something I wrote on my home community forum so you can take something positive and say to yourselves "there is so much more I can do with my life" and by that I mean taking joy out of every single thing like Amy did.

Amy was elastic girl, it's a family trait. She started gymnastics rather young....and was headed for the Olympics. But her team just burnt out. It really was too much. But Amy kept it up. We always thought she should be a clown. As a child she would spend hours pulling faces in the bathroom mirror. She literally ran off to join the circus...but in the coolest way possible. She did puppetry (and was on FARSCAPE!), she did Tissu, she trained the Flying Fruit Bats, she worked with Circus Monoxide and Circus Oz. She took Belle to her first Gay Pride march. She was kinda gay but couldn't decide (yanno, its kinda convenient ). She was the first graduate of NICA (National Institute of Circus Arts), were she got her degree in Clowning and Trapeze. Mum and Dad came to her performances but could never watch her fly in case she fell. She never did.

Thanks why I don't want "fly free with the angels' - because Amy already was one. I will never forget watching her grace as she flew over the top of us all, dressed as an angel, with white feathers floating gently from her wings to the ground.

When Belle was just learning to stand Uncle Amy used to balance her on ONE HAND. Nearly had a heart attack when I walked in on them in the lounge room. I hope I can find the pics of her balancing Belle on her feet - oh I have to show you to believe it.

She loved my children so much she wanted her own model. She made one and he is beautiful.

I was there when Fin was born. It was the most fantabulous birth. We had a DJ...well a laptop and 2 awesome friends. We bopped, we danced and we watched Fin emerge, we cracked up laughing when Amy decided she must be a man because the gas made her voice so low and dammit we even got her to pretend she was Barry White.

The bestest thing was that I told her how amazing I thought she was. With family you assume they know how much you love them, but it needs to be said out loud. She looked after my dad when I couldn't. And she did a better job.

Everyone needs a sister like her.

Flying high over the stadium in Dubai, see the structure at the bottom? That's the roof of the MASSIVE stadium...and yes she is upside down.

So proud to have a tummy full of her very own baby.

Thank you for the message, I hope this makes you feel a little better.


kelebek said...

You have nothing to apologise your blog is a true reflection of life. Life can be so rewarding and so challenging. There is a lot of beauty and ugliness to life. Life can be wonderful and then it can kick you in the guts.

Thankyou for sharing just a small slice of your sister. I wish I had met her. She was beautiful and amazing and she is and will continue to inspire people.

Anonymous said...

i certainly was shocked but i think you did good to let it all out, if that's what your blog means to you, it belongs here.
my sincere condolences for your loss.. it's no consolation but your sister seems to have lived life with a great appetite and reminds us all how sudden it can be over.. thanks a lot for sharing.
bless you for taking in her little one, i hope you guys will be ok, at least okish soon. x

E. said...


I don't come to your blog expectign laughs. Sure there are a lot of those but your blog is about life and family is a huge part of life. You don't need to try to make us feel better.

I hope things are going as okay as they can be for you all.

E. said...

Sorry I forgot to say Thank you for sharing some of Amy's life with us. Your love for and pride in her shine through your words. What a lovely tribute.

Madmother said...

What an amzing woman, what an incredible love of life. Thank you for sharing her with us. And do NOT apologise for your posts, ever. This is what a blog is - life. And it is what we are here for - support, unconditional support. xx

Melissa said...

I've been led here by Tanya. Don't apologise for your last post. It was anguished and difficult, but somehow beautiful in it's raw state - your heart on display, your love for Amy.

I can't tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I can't imagine the shock of a loss so sudden.

My thoughts are with you as you all find a way to adjust, and help little Fin.

The Aldo's. said...

We love to laugh with you Lulu, but it's also good to cry with you as well. Don't cushion us, we are here for you if you are funny, hurting or otherwise. It's ok to just be. We don't 'expect' anything of you. xxxxxxx

Anonymous said...

Lulu, please don't try to make us feel better. We are all reading this wanting you to feel better. There isn't much we can do except be here through the good & bad times.
You need to let it all out. Sounds like you are the one holding everyone together, but you need an outlet too.

Being Me said...

I am so sorry Lulu. Your love and admiration for Amy are priceless, thank you for sharing this part of yourself and your grief. Like your other commenters, I assure you there is nothing to apologise about. Again, I am deeply sorry for your loss.

Anonymous said...

Jesus Lulu I have been off BB for ages - a friend told me your news today. Sweets my heart goes out to you. Nothing to say but send you love.

feltpets said...

That pic of Amy with Finn is exactly how I remember her, with that infectious smile of hers. xx

OldSchoolGeek said...

I'm so sorry :( Thank you for sharing her story, it's beautiful and inspirational.

bekkles said...

A beautiful tribute to your beautiful sister.
So sorry for your huge, heart breaking loss

Wanderlust said...

What a beautiful portrait you paint of Amy. So full of life. My heart breaks for you and your mom and little Fin especially. xx

Jayne said...

You were blessed to have such a beautiful soul in your life xxxxx

Madmother said...

Just wanted to pop back in and let you know I am thinking of you and yours. xx T

Anonymous said...

A beautiful, powerful tribute to what sounds like an inspirational girl. A sister so loved and cherished. I know, through you, the memory of your sister as this awe-inspiring, positive character full of energy and spirit will carry on. I am humbled by your strength.
Please do not apologise for letting honest feelings out in your previous post, the raw emotions and passion were overwhelming and important to hear.
I have visited via Wanderlust.


Maxabella said...

Your tribute to Amy is beautiful. I hope you write a bigger tribute soon because she sounds like a wonderful, warm character and I am fascinated and inspired.

Thinking of you, Lulu. x

MaidInAustralia said...

Never apologise.
You do what you have to do to get through a loss like this, and writing is therapeutic. In a way, it's possibly the best way you can get out your feelings. Your sister sounded like a beautiful girl inside and out, and I am very sorry for your loss. xo

•´.¸¸.•¨¯`♥.Trish.♥´¯¨•.¸¸.´• said...

A beautiful tribute for darling sister Amy.
Lulu , even though I don't you or Amy, I am so sorry for your loss.
Our business has dealt with both Circus Oz & Circus Monoxide over the years so I just wanted to comment.
I love Circus Oz performances we have seen a few.
Amy sounds like she lived a fun loving life to the full and provided much laughter & entertainment to all who knew her.

Mrs Woog said...

It would feel like someone has chopped off my arm is I lost my sister. Sending love and thoughts, Mrs Woog xo

Andrea said...

Amy sounds awesome and loads of fun - bit like you I suspect!! laughing or crying I still love your'e freaking awesome blog!! PS - How is Cyclone doing?

Donna said...

I send you so much courage and strength to get through this - I honestly dont know how I'd cope without my own sis, but am glad she lives on in her gorgeous son. Much love to you x

Kazzabags said...

I miss you Menaidis. Always will.