Saturday, July 31, 2010

I think yet therefore I DON'T

You know, I get though the week thinking 'if these bloody children would stop screaming/acting up/drawing on walls I could get this/this/this and that done in peace'.

If Betty Boo would stop fighting with me at bedtime (yes - she is fighting with me, I am Zen, I am Mary Poppins at bedtime, I endure hours of bullshit from her with a smile plastered on my face and NEVER give in to the crap until she sleeps. Non-violent resistance at its best, with alcohol as my main support) I could actually write a blog post every night like I promised I would.

So what happens when I actually DON'T have the kids around? Do I do all the things I wish I could? NO.

I usually wander around the house with a stupid look on my face for awhile. Then I sit and try to read a book/hit the laptop/clean my room. Everything gets done far more quickly that I think and I'm stuffed for the rest of the day and night. It's not so bad if I know the kids will be off with Scorpio for a couple of days because I hit the ground running. All fiddly bits are done quickly and I can plan something - even if it is to FINALLY watch the last of The Lord of the Rings.

It's worse in winter because I just don't want to do anything but if I stuff around doing nothing at home all day I feel it's time wasted. In summer it's not really a problem - I go visit friends, or have them over for drinks, or go out and dance my pants off, knowing a I have full day to recover from all the kid-free shenanigans.

A couple of times lately, I have returned home from dropping off the children to literally fall on the couch and sleep for HOURS. This frightens me a little bit when I realise how tired I must have been. And how on earth I can possibly function like that on an ongoing basis. It sucks balls when I wake and need even more sleep. No, really NEED even more. Then I go into the whole 'wasted day' thing again.

I am finding a balance though - very slowly, and I know when spring and summer return my energy will too. I allow myself the time to rest, but only after I have done a few key things so I can prevent the banshee in my head from screaming too loudly, so I can really enjoy some solitude and self-care and stay in that moment.

Cos if the Mumma ain't happy - aint noooooo one happy.