Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Very Bad Things Part 4

This is a good'un chicks, so hang onto your hats because it involves the first time I ever saw an erect penis.

Ok so I met this young fella who turned out to be a complete FUCKTARD, so for the purpose of this story he shall be referred to as fucktard. We were at a local 'hang out' during the school holidays and if I remember correctly I would have been in Year 7 at secondary school, so about 13 years old. Met dude, thought he was cute and did a bit of pashing as you do.

It was time to go home so we walked to the back of the complex to get his BMX bike. We did a bit more kissing at the bike sheds....when all of a sudden there was something sticking into my leg and I looked down and there was this ummmmm penis looking back up at me. Oh LORDY I shit my Catholic School pants, pushed him away and ran off in absolute shock. It was just THERE....bobbing away all scary like. I couldn't believe what I just saw.....and since when did a bit of pashing involve PENISES...in BROAD DAYLIGHT?????

I put it to the back of my poor confused mind and went back to school a few weeks later when holidays were over.

Then it happened. On the bus on the way home from school one of the boys from another school called out - "Hey Lulu, do you know fucktard?". Ummm yes, I replied. "oh yeah he says he fucked you behind the bike shed last summer".

The entire bus chock full of kids from 3 different schools fell silent immediately. And looked at me. Of course I was bright fricken red, I just said OMG of course NOT, that's bollocks. I looked up at the older girls from my school for some sort of support but they just shook their heads and looked out the window.

But it didn't matter what I said did it? A reputation I never had a chance to build was in tatters across entire suburbs. It was humiliating beyond words, and a awful burden to carry at that age.

So what's a girl to do??? I spent many, many days and nights pondering. How to exact a decent revenge? It was never going to be as public as my humiliation - but still I had to do something.

So....I wrote a series of horrific little Nursery Rhymes. Something along the lines of

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Look over your shoulder
because I'm gonna come after you with a chainsaw and cut your fucking balls off.

I have spent the last few weeks trying to remember some of them exactly and I can't do it for the life of me. But please note I'm a girl brought up on Grimms Fairy Tales and there was alot of anger behind it all....he he he he.

Anyhoo, I tracked down where fucktard lived, carefully wrote my prose on a variety of different cards, stamped and addressed them accordingly and sent them to my cousin who lived interstate and got her to send them from up there. One every fortnight for MONTHS.

These days it's called stalking......


Lucy said...

Oh Luce. I know I shouldn't, but I am grinning.

Did you know Fucktard's very close cousin? He did the same thing to me in England in about 1984.


Lori said...


kate said...

your poem=hilarity

Tenielle said...

Woooo! *applauds*

Sam said...

Love your style babe.

I have also been unfortunate enough to have come in contact with a relative of Fucktard. Somehow the poor thing was a bit confused and thought touching the penis (I mean a touch too not even a stroke) was what a head job was. Suffice to say everyone in school thought I had given him a HJ. Fallout was not pretty but not long after he fessed up when I got a boyfriend that threatened to rip his neck out after he asked if I gave new BF a HJ too.